I’ve got this feeling in my stomach like when your mom calls you and you know it’s not good or like the first day or school or work

It’s been there for a while now and I’m so sick of it.. I’m so sick of this anxiety and depression and I know I need help, but I don’t want to tell my parents because they’ll just take me to a therapist again. And I don’t want that.

The one persona who I can normally turn to I haven’t heard from in a while and haven’t seen in a few months shy of a year.  We had decided we’d spend the summer hanging out before I move away in the fall but now I don’t know if that is going to happen. 

The idea of not getting to see him before I leave only makes this feeling worse. 

College will be my first experience in a “real school” leaving me with a lot of doubts in my ability to handle the non art classes and knowing that I will be nearly 800 miles away from home vs. a mere half hour drive away fucking terrifies me. I’m thrilled at the idea of a “new start” but at the same time I wish I could still have the comforts of home and at lease one someone familiar..

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I know that no one can know anything for sure. Not even if it directly involves you. Especially if it directly involves you…

But somehow I know that right now they are kissing by that river behind his house and probably doing other things because they can and they feel really passionate about each other like I felt about him and he told me he felt about me last November. And I bet they’re getting all carried away and she’s on cloud nine and he’s just fine and dandy and I bet she’s going to fall asleep in his arms and get to feel his heartbeat, just like I did. And that’s not even fair because that was the first time I had ever felt another persons heartbeat and I bet she’s felt a lot of other heartbeats before. And all this is happening while I’m here all alone unable to eat or sleep because I really did love him. And his kiss was the kind of kiss that made me know I had never been so happy in my whole life. And I even told him all that last Friday in a little note on a piece of crinkled yellow paper… and now he’s doing this. And the worst part is she has a boyfriend and he knows that and even so, I just know they are kissing by that river behind his house.

I think I need to calm down now.

Yours truly,

Know-It-All

Every summer i tell myself the same thing. “It will be different this year” “You’ll have way more this time time around” “You won’t be bored and sad anymore”. This year, i’m not even going to lie to myself. 

Just once, i want a summer to remember. A summer i will look back and be in awe. I want to have fun and just be a kid.

I’m fucking terrified. I’m scared of what the future may bring, as I see the division deepening within my parents. I had so much faith in them, of all people, out of everything that’s happening I knew that they were my foundation. What was my foundation is ripping itself apart, and now I’m scared. I just need a friend. And I found one, the best boy I could ask for, the only problem is that I love him. I full out love him and there’s nothing I could do but hold on to the feelings that he once had for me. I just want everything to slow down, this year, this life. I  need time to breathe. 

I think I’m content with my life and where it is heading right now. Not happy, because happy means too much. But content, I think that’s right. Everything that’s happening right now makes me feel good, maybe even infinite at times. And that’s what life’s about right? Those times of feeling infinite. 

I really hate sharing a room. Worst part is it is with my younger brother and I am a teenage girl. You can already imagine how it doesn’t work out. I have to change in the closet, clean up after him because he won’t, and deal with him overall. I would really like to have my own space. I want to make the whole room my own and write lyrics on my wall and just hang out in a quite place by myself. It really does suck sometimes because I have been going through quite a lot lately, I mean there is some ups occasionally as you know from my last letter when the boy named Sam asked me to join him with some other people, but otherwise my life is a big pile of bad things compared to the pile of good things.
There is reasons for why I am so sad. But there is always this thing with me that I can’t exactly explain. There is part of me that is just always sad and I don’t know why. I am trying to figure that out. I thought maybe it was just I was used to being said, or that it is this strange build up of negative emotions over time but…overall, I really really don’t know what is wrong with me.
But anyways back to the point. When I get so bad, I just want to break down and cry till I can’t cry anymore. But I have to share my room and that makes me feel even more bottled up.
We are here sharing a room because we are in an apartment till later this summer. This is temporary. I am scared to move away because I don’t know if I will be going to the same school as the boy I really do consider my only friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him so if I moved schools..
I will be happy to get my own room and have my own space but I am worried about the rest of it. If I do infact end up going to a different school I am not going to know how to make friends I have gotten shyer and shyer as the years go by and I have actually developed an anxiety disorder. I am very very very worried about feeling even more alone, even more sad, I don’t know if I would be able to take that since I am already so bad. But at least if that happened I would have my own room to go and pour my feelings into.
I wish I had you in person to be there for me. I really do wish I did. Because that is what I really need, someone to be there for me. Because even the boy at my school Ken who I consider my only friend sometimes isn’t that much of a friend. I just really need someone. I really really do.

Love always,
Violet

I hope I’ll be happier once I start work in a few weeks..     I really can’t take much more of this being alone everyday

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I keep telling myself that I will never give up on this one because I love him so much, but sometimes I just wish that he could see what’s best for him. I want him to be happy and healthy all the time, but he doesn’t seem able to change even a little, and I just don’t know what to do. I love him, but I can’t sit by and watch him hurt himself for the rest of our lives. It just breaks my heart.

I actually really did enjoy today for a change! This was the first day that I have been included in something since forever! We were sitting in my Journalism class (which is a really bad class and I really hate it but I thought in the beginning of the year it would be fun to make the Yearbook, but I really don’t enjoy it!) and we are done with everything in the class for the year so we got to just sit around, play games, and watch The City of Ember (really good movie and book by the way!). I usually don’t really get included because I don’t really have many friends in the class, but today a boy named Sam asked me if I wanted to play BS with him and a couple other people. If you don’t know what BS is it is a card game where you get some cards and go in order of the cards value ace,2,3,4 and so on, when it is your turn you put down whatever number you are on and if you don’t have that card you can lie and the other players have to guess if you are lying and yell “BULLSHIT!” (but of course since there is teachers in the room we say BS which is how it got it’s name!), if they are right you take all the cards people have put down if you are wrong they take all the cards. It is a really fun game I used to play with my friends in 7th grade before all of them ditched me. But anyways, Sam asked to to join him and the other people playing and I had a really great time because I am usually all alone in the corner of the classroom. It was great and I laughed and smiled a whole lot! The people playing had kept looking at me strangely because I am usually really quite. I am really glad Sam invited me over, I usually don’t get invited to things. I was really happy and I hope it happens again because well…
I felt infinite.

Love Always,
Violet

It’s raining and i’m listening to the songs you like and i want to tell you that i’m trying to figure out why am i so sad, the kinda of sad that just doens’t let you smile. That kind of sad.

I was home yesterday and my mom told me she was going to drive to a friend of mine’s neighborhood, so she asked me if i wanted to go with her, i told her yes and ask my friend if she wanted me to go. Her name is Lucy, and we called her Lu or Lulu. She’s really pretty and wise when it comes to boys. She told me she could go and just when Lucy said yes, my mom came into my room and told me she wans’t going anymore. So i texted my friend and told her i was going to take the bus because i really wanted to see her. I think staying home after that was going to be a waste of time. So i took the bus and went over to her house. While i was riding on the bus, i started crying again, just a few tears that i wiped away real quick because i didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I cry on buses all the time lately, and i always try to read at least one of your letters when i’m on one. They make me dream and hope and care for things. I really like that.

So i was at Lucy’s and her sister was there and we watched a movie and talked about boys and i told her about this boy who talked to me about one of his friends having a crush on me. But that’s was not what i wanted, i wanted him to like him, so i told him. Can you believe it? I told him i wanted him to ask about me, not his friend. I kinda felt bad for his friend, though. But we already talked about what Ian wanted, that’s his name, Ian. He basically wants someone who can have fun with, no strings attached, no feelings, anything. He just wants to have sex, i know that, and i don’t know if i want that anymore, even though when we were talking about i told her the same thing, i did not lie, i just told him i wanted no drama, and someone to have fun with. But i don’t think it means the same for me than to him. Anyway, i don’t know if i want that not because i don’t want to have sex with him. I already had a relationship like that, and in the end I felt like I like him and he felt the same way, I think, because we had a moment and we both realized that we liked each other. And the last time we were going to see each other we had a big fight, his name was Keny, and he has green eyes, soft hands, and curly light brown hair. But i guess, since we never talked about it, and i always told him i didn’t work as i girlfriend, and he was one of my ex boyfriend’s friends, we could never really love each other and be in a real relationship. We never saw each other again, even tough i wanted to. He has a girlfriend now. Really pretty, she plays the bass guitar and she’s everything i’m never going to be. Anyway, Ian is good looking and he likes Arctic monkeys like i do, and that’s very important to me. I don’t want drama, that’s what i don’t want, but he sounds like he just wants to have sex with me, and i don’t want that. I guess that’s drama, and maybe i should’ve told him to give me his friend’s number. 

I realized that i don’t really want to have sex with anyone, i just want to have fun, eat pizza, listen to music, lay down on the grass and tell each other funny stories, maybe make out and then have sex and then go home and talk to my friends about it. I guess i just want a date. Or maybe i just don’t know what i want, and i feel like that’s okay, because i’m still trying to figure out why am i sad and maybe that could help me realize why.

Since i told you a couple of my friends name i should probably tell you mine even though is not my real name or any of my friend’s real name. My name is Margery, but you can call me Magui, and this is my life.

Love always

Magui.